User blog comment:Midnightpiranha/A Galaxy Away (fanfic)/@comment-2228120-20120917095154

A good first attempt, I believe. The relationship of friendship and trust between the two works fine (BTW, a good catch with the body language, with the lack of clues from the face, the quarians definitely must honed their skills of reading from posture), as well as Tali's anxiety over Shepard's fate. The only thing that needs polishing are formal aspects like punctuation and especially paragraph organisation - basically, every time you switch a speaker in a conversation, you should start a new para. On the other hand, if you insert a descriptory sentence of one speaker and the same speaker conitnues on the same topic, it should be in the same para (the descriptory dentence is something like an introduction for what he's going to say). - I hope that helps; if you're not sure how to do it, don't hesitate to ask, this is way more fun than correcting students' essays :D