Jeff "Joker" Moreau/Unique dialogue

If you talk to Joker at certain points, he will have some interesting things to say

Mission Completion

 * After rescuing Liara and extracting the squad from a volcano, Joker will say that he prefers gold to silver for his medal for extracting them from the volcano. Depending on Shepard's response, Joker will comment about whether or not he still wants it.
 * After the mission on Feros, Joker will ask that next time the Normandy touches down, that they try not to park in a colony of mutant zombies.
 * After the mission on Noveria, Joker will say he's glad to be off of Noveria. He tells Shepard that he didn't know which was worse, the corporations or the cold. "One will freeze your balls off, the other will sell them out from under you."
 * After the mission on Virmire, Joker will be deeply affected by Shepard's choice to leave either Ashley or Kaidan behind. He will say that it wasn't a decision that he could have made. Depending on Shepard's response, Joker will comment about needing some time alone or he will get angry with the Commander.
 * After stealing the Normandy, Joker will complain that nobody is chasing them. He was looking forward to putting the Normandy through its paces. Depending on Shepard's response, Joker will comment about his eagerness to continue the mission.

Mission Completion
Joker sometimes has sarcastic remarks after a mission has been completed:


 * Dossier: Archangel: "Hey Commander, we got Garrus back! That's great, because he was totally my favorite&hellip; with that pole up his ass."
 * Dossier: The Assassin: "Oh, another dangerous alien aboard, Commander. Thanks. Why can't you collect coins or commemorative plates or something?"
 * Dossier: The Convict: "OK, Shepard, glad you're back, but keep an eye on that last one, we can only hold so much crazy."
 * Dossier: The Justicar: "So, Commander, even your asari are trained killers? You get everyone at the same store or something?"
 * Dossier: The Veteran: "Hey, Shepard. Another hard-ass on board, huh? That's great, because I really need more stink-eye coming my way."
 * Dossier: The Warlord: "Did you collect stray cats as a kid, because we really needed a mega-krogan&hellip; so thanks for bringing him home."
 * Dossier: Tali: "It's great to see Tali on board, Commander. Just like old times. It is her, right? I mean because of the mask it's&hellip; ah, never mind."
 * Jacob: The Gift of Greatness: "That, uh, that stuff with Jacob's dad. It's bullshit, right? Because it looked like bullshit to me."
 * Legion: A House Divided: "Good job reforming those geth, Commander. That'll never come to bite us in the ass," or "Great work destroying that geth base. Legion is still hanging around the lower decks if you want to pick up the spare," or "Hey, Commander. I guess the geth aren't all bad, huh? They're like EDI's ex-con uncle we don't talk about."
 * Miranda: The Prodigal: "So, Commander, you ever think Miranda would lighten up a bit and... I can't even finish saying it."
 * Stop the Collectors: "Hey, Shepard. I'm glad that Collector/Reaper crap is over. It is over right? ...It's never over."
 * Tali: Treason: "I'm glad that mess is over for Tali, Commander. Some of those quarians&hellip; I guess living aboard a ship can really mess with your priorities? Not that I would know&hellip; ah, I just burned myself. Great."
 * Samara: The Ardat-Yakshi: "I'm glad things worked out, Commander. I was worried you'd dump Samara for some crazy soul-sucker with a death fetish, all lithe and sexy and...never mind."
 * Jack: Subject Zero: "Hey Commander. Glad we figured out Jack is crazy. Because that was really up in the air, just hanging there." 
 * Grunt: Rite of Passage: "You know Commander, I'm not real broke up that Wrex isn't coming. I'm good with our current amount of headbutting. I'd say we're at headbutting capacity" or "Hey commander, glad Grunt got the Krogan thumbs up. That's ten for them right?"
 * Reaper IFF: After completing the mission and if Shepard chooses to activate the geth, Joker will comment that "we're all fricking insane."

The Squad
Visiting Joker after a mission and picking "The Squad" option will have him give his opinion on the last two squad members who went out with Commander Shepard:
 * Garrus: "It seems like Garrus has finally worked that stick out of his butt, but now he's trying to beat guys to death with it. I can't believe I like the old Garrus better." or (if Garrus was never recruited in the first game) "The turian's a hard ass, commander . Which is kind of redundant, if you ask me." 
 * Grunt: "Grunt is&hellip; not a stabilizing element, Commander"
 * Jack: "I'm not saying anything about Jack. I'm not stupid."
 * Jacob: "Jacob is way too nice a guy for all the ways he knows how to kill people."
 * Kasumi: "I like Kasumi, but why do I feel like I need to check the Citadel for parts she may have pawned?"
 * Legion: "Having Legion around is just&hellip;begging for a rifle up your ass. Without the sweet talk."
 * Miranda: "I wouldn't say anything bad about Miranda and expect to survive the reprisal."
 * Mordin: "No surprise, Mordin acts superior to everyone. Like he's got tenure at FU."
 * Morinth: (Joker has no direct comment although there is a quote used directly after recruiting her.)
 * Samara: "I feel like Samara could shoot me in a very tranquil manner, which doesn't make me feel any better about it."
 * Tali: "Well, I always liked Tali so&hellip; let's just move on."
 * Thane: "Thane seems like the strong, sensitive, murdering type. You know those are always great to have around. A real cuddler."
 * Zaeed: "Zaeed is like you, but takes checks. As long as it's not my money, we're good."

Cockpit Dialog
Standing behind Joker and waiting 10 seconds will trigger additional dialog. Joker will make a random comment about the running of the ship followed by a set of 3 comical comments during each visit if you wait long enough. You must leave the deck to unlock the next set of comments: - - - - - - - - - - -
 * "Mark on two. Clear."'
 * "How 'bout that local sports team, huh?
 * "Sometimes I get the urge to turn off the internal compensators and pull a Crazy Ivan, you know?"
 * "You know what pisses me off? Calling this the cockpit. Alliance ships have bridges. Asari ships have cockpits. Oh wait. No they don't."
 * "Op-check is clean."
 * "I was thinking of installing some lava lamps. Maybe Christmas lights for ambiance? What do you think?"
 * "It takes skill to make a ship bank in a vacuum. Don't think it doesn't."
 * "I've been thinking about taking up bullfighting. What do you think?"
 * "Minor spike in the primary core. Compensating."
 * "You know what I could go for right now? A hamburger. Not vat-grown. An honest-to-god dead cow. With horseradish."
 * "I gotta hit the head, Commander. We done for now, or do I have to use the bottle I keep under here?"
 * "I thought my mom was bad with the backseat driving."
 * "Trimming compensators. Decimal one-two."
 * "Man, what I wouldn't give to go planetside. Wading through muck, getting shot in the face. Man, that is the life."
 * "Commander, can I get a mirror up here? You know, so I can see when someone is standing behind me?"
 * "Take a holo, it'll last longer."
 * "I swear we got some lateral drift. The old Normandy never had that."
 * "Ah, the great endless expanse of space. Creeps the hell out of me."
 * "Cerberus... three-headed dog... How come it's led by only one guy?"
 * "Yeah, this is 98 percent of my job. I just watch buttons flash. Sometimes I press one."
 * "Ever think we'd be working for the bad guys?"
 * "Was that button...? Nah."
 * "Ba da ba ba ba na..." (jazz scatting)
 * (Sound of woman gasping in a porn scene.) "Uh, sorry. That was supposed to go to my earpiece."
 * "Primary systems clear."
 * "You want luck on your side? Never wash your hat. Dad told me that. I think."
 * "Pew pew pew." (Making sounds of laser battle) "Yeah."
 * (sigh) "External camera's got a thumbprint on it. That is gonna bug me forever."
 * "Upgrades are messing with our inertial skew. Compensating."
 * "We need a deflector dish so I can realign that mother."
 * "Aero-gel displays and optical solid-state... Man, it's all so primitive. I can hardly wait for the future."
 * "You look out there and it's just like... There's all this... it's like... you know?"
 * "Retrofits are always a pain in the ass."
 * "Is there a problem with the... no, that's good too. Aaaand, still good."
 * "So, come here too often?"
 * "The Illusive Man has some crazy-looking eyes for a guy trying to lay low."
 * "Got some pressure loss in the number-four hydrogen tank. Lock it down, EDI."
 * "Pbbbbhh." (humming and sputtering)
 * "Glad to be out of those Alliance-issue starch shorts. Took a year to lose my callus."
 * "Two years and everything hits the crapper. Teach you to die on me."
 * "EDI, we've got venting from the number 16 lithium heat sink."
 * (sigh) "If Mom could see me now, we'd have zombies on top of everything else."
 * "Why is it always claw and guns? Why can't we piss off a fuzzy planet? Still dangerous, but hey, bunnies."
 * "Know what I hate about deep space? Crap radio stations from two centuries back. Gosh, we were idiots."
 * "Nominal to profile." (comments start repeating)'
 * "EDI, Do we have a green light on that switchover?"

On the Normandy
Joker also has several lines of humorous dialogue outside the cockpit, namely during the Collector attack on the Normandy.
 * "This is all Joker's fault. What a tool he was. I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the Overlord."
 * "What?! You're crazy! You start singing Daisy Bell and I'm done!"
 * (Referring to EDI explaining that she has Reaper tech installed in her construction) "Well, if she mentions that she's the 'vanguard of our destruction', I call shotgun on the first life boat."