Jeff "Joker" Moreau/Unique dialogue

If you talk to Joker at certain points, he will have some interesting things to say.

Mass Effect[]

Mission Completion[]

After rescuing Liara and extracting the squad from a volcano, Joker will say that he prefers gold to silver for his medal for extracting them from the volcano. Depending on Shepard's response, Joker will comment about whether or not he still wants it. Joker will also mention that the molten lava isn't good for the Normandy's hull.
In the aftermath of the mission to Therum, if Shepard notes that getting a medal will require Joker to sit on a stage listening to politicians talk for hours, he immediately recants his desire to be given once, citing the boredom and the possibility of being made to shave his beard, which he states took him seven weeks to properly cultivate.
After the mission on Feros, Joker will ask that next time the Normandy touches down, that they try not to park in a colony of mutant zombies.
After the mission on Noveria, Joker will say he's glad to be off of Noveria. He tells Shepard that he didn't know which was worse, the corporations or the cold. "One will freeze your balls off, the other will sell them out from under you."
After the mission on Virmire, Joker will be deeply affected by Shepard's choice to leave either Ashley or Kaidan behind. He will say that it wasn't a decision that he could have made. Depending on Shepard's response, Joker will comment about needing some time alone or he will get angry with the Commander.
After stealing the Normandy, Joker will complain that nobody is chasing them. He was looking forward to putting the Normandy through its paces. Depending on Shepard's response, Joker will comment about his eagerness to continue the mission.

Mass Effect 2[]

Mission Completion[]

Joker sometimes has sarcastic remarks after a mission has been completed:

Dossier: Archangel: "Hey Commander, we got Garrus back! That's great, because he was totally my favorite… with that pole up his ass."
Dossier: The Assassin: "Oh, another dangerous alien aboard, Commander. Thanks. Why can't you collect coins or commemorative plates or something?"
Dossier: The Convict: "OK, Shepard, glad you're back, but keep an eye on that last one, we can only hold so much crazy."
Dossier: The Justicar: "So, Commander, even your asari are trained killers? You get everyone at the same store or something?"
Dossier: The Veteran: "Hey, Shepard. Another hard-ass on board, huh? That's great, because I really need more stink-eye coming my way."
Dossier: The Warlord: "Did you collect stray cats as a kid, because we really needed a mega-krogan… so thanks for bringing him home."
Dossier: Tali: "It's great to see Tali on board, Commander. Just like old times. It is her, right? I mean because of the mask it's… ah, never mind."
Jacob: The Gift of Greatness: "That, uh, that stuff with Jacob's dad. It's bullshit, right? Because it looked like bullshit to me."
Legion: A House Divided: "Good job reforming those geth, Commander. That'll never come to bite us in the ass," or "Great work destroying that geth base. Legion is still hanging around the lower decks if you want to pick up the spare," or "Hey, Commander. I guess the geth aren't all bad, huh? They're like EDI's ex-con uncle we don't talk about."
Miranda: The Prodigal: "So, Commander, you ever think Miranda would lighten up a bit and... I can't even finish saying it."
Stop the Collectors: "Hey, Shepard. I'm glad that Collector/Reaper crap is over. It is over right? ...It's never over."
Tali: Treason: "I'm glad that mess is over for Tali, Commander. Some of those quarians… I guess living aboard a ship can really mess with your priorities? Not that I would know… ah, I just burned myself. Great."
Samara: The Ardat-Yakshi: "I'm glad things worked out, Commander. I was worried you'd dump Samara for some crazy soul-sucker with a death fetish, all lithe and sexy and...never mind."
Jack: Subject Zero: "Hey Commander. Glad we figured out Jack is crazy. Because that was really up in the air, just hanging there."
Grunt: Rite of Passage: "You know Commander, I'm not real broke up that Wrex isn't coming. I'm good with our current amount of headbutting. I'd say we're at headbutting capacity" or "Hey commander, glad Grunt got the Krogan thumbs up. That's ten for them right?"
Horizon: Joker comments on reuniting with the Virmire survivor. "That's uh, pretty crazy the people you can run into out here huh?"
Reaper IFF: After completing the mission and if Shepard chooses to activate the geth, Joker will comment that "we're all fricking insane."

The Squad[]

Visiting Joker after a mission and picking "The Squad" option will have him give his opinion on the last two squad members who went out with Commander Shepard:

Garrus: "It seems like Garrus has finally worked that stick out of his butt, but now he's trying to beat guys to death with it. I can't believe I like the old Garrus better." or (if Garrus was never recruited in the first game) "The turian's a hard ass, commander. Which is kind of redundant, if you ask me."
Grunt: "Grunt is… not a stabilizing element, Commander"
Jack: "I'm not saying anything about Jack. I'm not stupid."
Jacob: "Jacob is way too nice a guy for all the ways he knows how to kill people."
Kasumi: "I like Kasumi, but why do I feel like I need to check the Citadel for parts she may have pawned?"
Legion: "Having Legion around is just…begging for a rifle up your ass. Without the sweet talk."
Miranda: "I wouldn't say anything bad about Miranda and expect to survive the reprisal."
Mordin: "No surprise, Mordin acts superior to everyone. Like he's got tenure at FU."
Morinth: (Joker has no direct comment although there is a quote used directly after recruiting her.)
Samara: "I feel like Samara could shoot me in a very tranquil manner, which doesn't make me feel any better about it."
Tali: "Well, I always liked Tali so… let's just move on."
Thane: "Thane seems like the strong, sensitive, murdering type. You know those are always great to have around. A real cuddler."
Zaeed: "Zaeed is like you, but takes checks. As long as it's not my money, we're good."

Cockpit Dialog[]

Standing behind Joker and waiting 10 seconds will trigger additional dialog. Joker will make a random comment about the running of the ship followed by 3 random comical comments during each visit if you wait long enough. You must leave the deck to hear another set of comments. For example:

"Mark on two. Clear."'
"How 'bout that local sports team, huh?
"Sometimes I get the urge to turn off the internal compensators and pull a Crazy Ivan, you know?"
"You know what pisses me off? Calling this the cockpit. Alliance ships have bridges. Asari ships have cockpits. Oh wait. No they don't."

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"Op-check is clean."
"I was thinking of installing some lava lamps. Maybe Christmas lights for ambiance? What do you think?"
"It takes skill to make a ship bank in a vacuum. Don't think it doesn't."
"I've been thinking about taking up bullfighting. What do you think?"

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"Minor spike in the primary core. Compensating."
"You know what I could go for right now? A hamburger. Not vat-grown. An honest-to-god dead cow. With horseradish."
"I gotta hit the head, Commander. We done for now, or do I have to use the bottle I keep under here?"
"I thought my mom was bad with the backseat driving."

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"Trimming compensators. Decimal one-two."
"Man, what I wouldn't give to go planetside. Wading through muck, getting shot in the face. Man, that is the life."
"Commander, can I get a mirror up here? You know, so I can see when someone is standing behind me?"
"Take a holo, it'll last longer."

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"I swear we got some lateral drift. The old Normandy never had that."
"Ah, the great endless expanse of space. Creeps the hell out of me."
"Cerberus... three-headed dog... How come it's led by only one guy?"
"Yeah, this is 98 percent of my job. I just watch buttons flash. Sometimes I press one."

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"Ever think we'd be working for the bad guys?"
"Was that button...? Nah."
"Ba da ba ba ba na..." (jazz scatting)
(Sound of woman gasping in a porn scene.) "Uh, sorry. That was supposed to go to my earpiece."

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"Primary systems clear."
"You want luck on your side? Never wash your hat. Dad told me that. I think."
"Pew pew pew." (Making sounds of laser battle) "Yeah."
(sigh) "External camera's got a thumbprint on it. That is gonna bug me forever."

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"Upgrades are messing with our inertial skew. Compensating."
"We need a deflector dish so I can realign that mother."
"Aero-gel displays and optical solid-state... Man, it's all so primitive. I can hardly wait for the future."
"You look out there and it's just like... There's all this... it's like... you know?"

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"Retrofits are always a pain in the ass."
"Is there a problem with the... no, that's good too. Aaaand, still good."
"So, come here too often?"
"The Illusive Man has some crazy-looking eyes for a guy trying to lay low."

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"Got some pressure loss in the number-four hydrogen tank. Lock it down, EDI."
"Pbbbbhh." (humming and sputtering)
"Glad to be out of those Alliance-issue starch shorts. Took a year to lose my callus."
"Two years and everything hits the crapper. Teach you to die on me."

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"EDI, we've got venting from the number 16 lithium heat sink."
(sigh) "If Mom could see me now, we'd have zombies on top of everything else."
"Why is it always claw and guns? Why can't we piss off a fuzzy planet? Still dangerous, but hey, bunnies."
"Know what I hate about deep space? Crap radio stations from two centuries back. Gosh, we were idiots."

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"Nominal to profile." (comments start repeating)'
"EDI, Do we have a green light on that switchover?"
...

On the Normandy[]

Joker also has several lines of humorous dialogue outside the cockpit, namely during the Collector attack on the Normandy.

"Great. See, this is how it all starts. When we're all just organic batteries, guess who they'll blame? 'This is all Joker's fault. What a tool he was. I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the Overlord.'"
"What?! You're crazy! You start singing Daisy Bell and I'm done!"
(Referring to EDI explaining that she has Reaper tech installed in her construction) "So, if she mentions that she's the 'vanguard of our destruction', I call shotgun on the first life boat."

Mass Effect 3[]

The Squad[]

(After EDI gets her new body, Shepard will ask Joker if EDI installed herself with out any help from him, he will say) "Come on, Commander. Don't you trust me? Okay, let me put it this way: if I knew that EDI was going to install herself into a sexy robot body, do you honestly think I'd be able to keep quiet about it? (Turns to EDI) Look at that! I would have baked a cake!"
(If Shepard decides to object to EDI installing herself into "Cerberus tech") "Well, technically, she IS Cerberus tech, so... (...) I've run the checks, Commander, she's still based in the Normandy. Running this body just gives her some extra flexibility. Sweet, sweet flexibility..."
"So Jack's an instructor? I guess anyone who messes with biotic kids gets turned into a small stain on the floor. And ceiling. Ooh, and that was Cerberus attacking the academy! Man, that must have been like Christmas for her. Anyway, nice job on getting them out of there."
"How's Grunt? Our little tank baby's all grown up, huh? (...) Well, he learned from the best, Commander. Every time he incinerates someone with a shotgun and does that little laugh, he'll think of you."
"Good to have Mordin back. The bad guys shouldn't get a monopoly on mad scientists."
"Hey, I know I used to rag on Garrus for being all angry, but I'm glad he's back. There's a whole lot of crap out there that needs a bullet between the eyes. Plus, we might need something calibrated."
(After recruiting Javik) "So, a Prothean. A real live Prothean. Has Liara stopped bouncing yet? I'm guessing there may have been some bouncing."
(After Priority: Geth Dreadnought) "Good to have Tali back, even if it's just for a bit."
- If in a relationship with Tali, he will add: "Although every time you call her Miss vas Normandy, I kinda expect to see her walking around with a tiara and a sash."

After a Mission[]

(After rescuing Tarquin Victus's platoon) "It's good to know that turians can flip out and lose their shit like the rest of us".
(When Shepard responds to the above that the turians are under pressure) "You stole the Normandy, got blown up by the Collectors and took us on a suicide mission to the galactic core...and I haven't mutinied once! Not once!"
(After disabling the turian bomb on Tuchanka)"You gotta love the turians. After they beat you down and sterilize you, they strap a big old bomb to your planet. Y'know, just in case you get uppity again some day."
"EDI showed me vids of the banshees. That's messed up. Mutating people to turn them into living weapons is one thing, but the yelling? Why make them yell?! That's totally uncalled for!"
(After saving the Rachni Queen, Shepard tries to assure Joker she's on their side) "Yeah, right. Until the next time Reapers 'sing a sour yellow note of... whatever'."
(After saving the Rachni Breeder, Shepard informs Joker he's recruited it for their side) "Really, You killed the normal queen back on Noveria, but the crazy Reapified thing, that's the one you take a chance on?"
(After Shepard kills the Rachni Queen/Breeder) "You wanna nuke it from orbit? It's the only way to--Ah, forget it, it's probably fine."

On the Normandy[]

"Hey, I'm just tired of [biotics] stealing the spotlight from people with actual disabilities. I break ribs if I sneeze too hard - being able to move crap with your mind is not a handicap."
"Hey, Commander, y'know I had my doubts about the Council, but after years of ignoring your warning, they're finally willing to step up and tell us they just can't help. Did they at least validate our parking?"

During Missions[]

During Priority: Geth Dreadnought, while Shepard is traversing the docking tube to allow the rest of the squad to board the Geth ship, Joker will say, "Hey, take your time, Commander. We're fine until they, you know, look out a window." The response will vary depending on whether Legion was recruited and became loyal to Shepard during Mass Effect 2:
- If Legion was recruited and his loyalty mission completed:
  - Shepard: "Geth don't use windows, remember? Structural weakness."
  - Joker: "Like the geth are just sitting there saying, 'Those organics would never try the no-windows thing twice!'"
- If Legion was not recruited, or was recruited but is not loyal:
  - Tali: "Geth ships don't have windows. They rely on thermal scans for close-range detection."
  - Joker: "I'm immune to your facts and logic!"
During Citadel: Party, if Miranda was invited, Joker's dialog during the first part of the party will vary depending on whether or not Shepard encouraged him to get into a relationship with EDI.
- If Shepard discouraged the relationship:
  - Joker: "So we thought about it, but a human and a synthetic in love? It's kind of weird."
  - Miranda: "I admit, I was very curious to see what happened, but perhaps you're right."
  - Joker: "Yeah, and if we ever broke up? Well, nobody wants an angry ex equipped with a Thanix cannon."
- If Shepard encouraged the relationship:
  - Miranda: "But you have no plans after EDI? Someone more...human?"
  - Joker: "Uh, no? She's smart, she's funny, and she's into spaceships."
  - Miranda:"You know what you want. I can respect that."